slowsea.space

I was slowly understanding over the last few days, some hope and sweetness mixed with sadness at my blindness and mistakes.

I apologize that I am so slow. It can take me a while to get there, however I usually find answers, and am sometimes more effective than those who are faster.
I was trying to write it out well, to help it all be ok. I don't know if that is possible or not.
Maybe my choice to take a couple of days to try to write it out, to try to reach out in that way, will be the delay that I regret.
You may take it as a thank you and blessing otherwise.
I will understand if I am too slow, and I still thank you.
Being slow to know, is just a normal part of having a past of certain experiences. I know other people like this. However, being much slower to know or recognize obviously comes with its own set of problems. In the past, at least at work and in other settings, the slowness has been a positive, in that the answers I eventually found might be truer, or more useful to others than faster answers.
Also, learning how to recognize and allow other people to initiate.

11/11/25

A

I am so sorry for how all this has been, and how things have gone, in almost every way. (Though not every way, a few things were positive.) I know many are not understanding, and there was or is discomfort or judging because of it.

I was just wanting to communicate and learn, to say what needs to be said. Part of things not going smoothly, might have been that I could not understand that I could matter at all, even in a small way. That any actions of mine affected anyone else. As a part of this, social media has often just felt like a reference or resource, to know what works are, or to find works. For me, no one in the past has ever noticed what I chose to view or listen to, and so the idea that my actions are noticed or affect anyone else, feels strange and unlikely. I have not been thinking of it as communication, that is my mistake, and I am truly sorry for any hurt feelings or negative effects because of this. (Also if one is not feeling valid / present, then finding the right actions might be difficult. And not finding the right actions then affects others.)

It sometimes it just takes me a little while to see things. Past work feedback, where I worked in a big-picture problem-solving knowledge-work role, was that I might sometimes seem slower, but that in the end I was far more effective because I would eventually find the center of any problem or knot, and sometimes point toward a simpler, maybe more effective solution. In meetings I might not say anything at all, but then an hour in I might ask one question that might change the whole picture, and might save everybody a lot of time or effort.

I would prefer not to have shown up here like this, and hope the figurative or literal place will both change soon or at least eventually. (Somewhere different somehow eventually.) I would like to finish what needs to be said or done.

I know what I would like, and that is conversation, and exchange stories, and learning, to find out. That is the basics, I am not asking for anything else. It feels like shared stories might help / might shift some things.
[It feels like it could have been over in a week several years ago, at the very beginning, if things had gone a little differently.]

I feel like our individualistic culture also affected the whole situation? Maybe in a more connected society or type of world (not only digitally connected - real community) this situation could have or would have been resolved more quickly. I have been thinking some about that idea of griots in west african culture, who are ‘advisors-diplomats-storytellers-musicians’ who seem to have a role of serving or supporting communities and trying, sometimes painfully, to distill ideas and wisdom, and share that. It might not be easy to have that role (an involuntary calling that is sometimes painful maybe) in this culture? Where a “griot” may be trying to recognize collective patterns and care for communities, and it may sometimes be painful? (I may be completely misunderstanding the word and what it means in those communities, and, if so, I mean no offense.) And I am not saying this is my role at all, I am just trying to understand this picture. (Also, I have no sense or understanding of how big the communities most people in this role in west africa may be supporting or serving. It may not be a good analogy. Again, I mean no offense by borrowing or thinking about the word.)

The stress of trying to finish this, to try to understand, to move through this, to try to connect and do the right thing is a lot, and is affecting me in more than one way. I hope I will be able to connect where I need to connect, and share what should be shared and said. I am asking people to please try not to judge and to please not add to the difficulty.

*** If I travel these next few weeks, if a certain person would talk with me, I think we would learn / understand each other, and it would be OK. It might be concluded more constructively, with conversation and learning, in not much time, if someone will talk with me. I have someone specific in mind. ***
*** If they cannot, it will hurt, but it will also be ok. Rejection is ok. ***
*** I just got lost online, there were aspects I did not understand, and I could not always find the right actions. I am so sorry, I hope someone will speak with me. Sharing information and ideas about some of what has occurred seems important, and, unless I am misunderstanding, might help processes for an individual maybe, and maybe others, in a story or way that feels a lot better? *** Results of isolation and grief, maybe can only be understood in context or in connection, I am not sure the effect they have had.

Some of you, please try to be less cruel, please keep in mind that no matter how wise, experienced, or knowledgeable you may be, you still might not know, or even imagine, aspects or pieces of this. Everyone alive has more to learn, and there are things you may not know. I think not-ok motives might have been imagined or attributed, however anyone who might talk with me, would know it is not true. I am doing a suffering, truth-finding journey, that I would rather not be doing, that might be of use to others than me. Anyone with a sensitive or acute truth detector, or bullshit detector, would know if they spoke with me that it is true.

It is possible social media created almost all of the communication problems? Also I don’t know the conventions / mores of a community, so I may be offending others, when I truly don’t want to. I don’t know how to convey the necessary ideas or ask questions, in the formats available. I have a lifetime of trying not to offend, taking care of and supporting everyone. I don’t like offending or annoying others, and I actually find it excruciating, along with much else. [Alone but not lonely, small groups at work, and small community groups were what I once had, before moving / dislocation and rare illness created isolation, and this worked well for me. So I know it is not about anything else.]

I am sorry for any discomfort or offense, I am doing the best I can.

B

I know the atmosphere and energy of a recently introduced aspect was not appreciated. This aspect did not, and does not, fit with another part of the picture or story, in more than one way. I know people were upset by it, and I don't blame them.

*** However that very early “pain-suffering-fawn-merging” (it is also ‘vulnerability to be controlled or gaslit by a controller’, even if briefly) aspect of the story had not gone anywhere, so maybe it makes sense that it came up as a topic, however temporarily. *** (reared its head?)
Although unfortunate, it was a difficult part of the very beginning many years ago, so it was there, tied in with everything else. Overcoming gaslighting is part of the story arc.
[I personally wish that overcoming gaslighting and easily recognizing “lies-control-cruelty” people would also become part of the collective story arc. That everybody would have the eyes/lenses/glasses to easily see “lies-control-cruelty,” and say “no” to it.]
Maybe it needed to be respected, acknowledged, moved through, past and beyond, so it could be gone.
I know in many ways it does not fit with other parts of the story, and so felt a little discordant, and I don’t blame everybody for not liking it, but it was there, and I guess it could not be ignored. It seemed to need to be moved past.
[I was not unaware of the discordance, just not sure how to move through it.]
I am sorry it was there, I don’t see how it could have been avoided.
*** It doesn’t invalidate anything else. ***
Please don’t be offended or upset. It just needed to be moved through.
*** It feels wrong to let it stop anything good. I am worried that could be an unfortunate effect? ***
That could also be in a sense what bad actors are trying to do, to stop good things?

I understand the disapproval / discomfort (revulsion?) of many, but being susceptible to being briefly gaslit / fawning / being controlled is just a normal trauma effect / result. (Also, if a controlling person begins a control / gaslighting situation but starts to feel or sense that who they were eliciting control over, is leaving that state or won’t remain in it, they will disappear. If someone won’t remain in a fawn state, controllers are allergic to that, and they will run the other direction as soon as their target’s fawn state ends.)

[There may be a lot of people recovering from / suffering from “pain-suffering-fawn-merging” who could learn? This might be part of why we are where we are as a much much larger group?
It seems like “lies-control-cruelty” type people, whether in everyday life, or if they have more influence or power, might exploit that “pain-suffering-fawn-merging” aspect or wound that many people may have? And maybe we have a very unfortunate big picture example of that occurring right now?]

[Also, the “pain-suffering-fawn-merging,” “vulnerability to be gaslit” aspect was likely the reason for resisting a few decades ago or so now. I have at times not understood that resisting, but now I wonder if maybe it was wise and instinctive, and I did not even know it then.]

Also regarding this aspect:
***my peers were, my age/generation was, beyond not-ok at the events so long ago, so it also makes sense including another?
***we were at a strange impasse until added input, so it was actually constructive, even if not good in other ways?
***my prior ‘question’ seemed to have been invalidated, misunderstood, until then

It perhaps was only present or only needed to make itself known briefly as something to be moved through and past?

C

Maybe somehow my story of learning to recognize ‘lies-control-cruelty’ / gaslighters could be useful somehow to others. Maybe it could be part of helping just a few more people be able to see or recognize ‘gas-lighters’ and gas-lighters in power? For more people to learn to have the figurative ‘eyes or lenses or glasses’ for seeing or recognizing ‘lies-control-cruelty’ more easily or more quickly?

Some of those who have experienced a certain type of abuse growing up, and then slowly, excruciatingly, learned to separate themselves and recognize it, might have the lenses or ‘eyes’ to see or recognize ‘lies-control-cruelty’ people more than most can. I seem to be understanding that idea that the smallest things [individuals] connect to and are part of the biggest things [group] in a way I did not before.

Sometimes I might have to learn, or it might take a just little while, to learn or understand with someone I have not encountered before, but then, once I have figured it out, when I look at someone like that, it is like all I can see is the ‘lies-control-cruelty’ aspect, even just with a glance. A lot of people right now are often believing a ‘lies-control-cruelty in-chief.’ Maybe if just a few more people could learn to be able to put on the metaphorical eyes, lenses or glasses to be able to really see someone like that easily, if someone like that would be *just so obvious* to a lot more people, even with the briefest glance, things might shift a little?

It seems like once one has used figurative eyes, lenses or glasses to be able to see that any other specific person is about “lies-control-cruelty-gaslighting” that very first initial time, then maybe one has that way of seeing, available and ready, to be able to pull out of their mental pocket and use again. They may be able to see it, if they encounter it again, in anyone else, even if it may take just a little while sometimes. (With a new person, they may be fooled briefly.) However once they have been able to see the ‘lies-control-cruelty’ aspect in someone, then won’t be able to unsee it. [As I was fooled briefly with someone I did not really know, but then saw it, and now can’t unsee it.]

____

Humility or vulnerability, at least for me, seem to be a small but essential part of resisting the “lies-control-cruelty-gaslighting" bigger picture that seems to be occurring. Others may have other ways of resisting, maybe that is just one of mine. I will undergo or endure whatever is necessary, anything I can, to peacefully resist the “larger picture not-ok-ness” that has been occurring. Anything peaceful I may do or not do that might move the needle in the smallest way.

___

I like to think we are all in service to everyone else. Maybe moving energy to try to do good?

I think most of us want a bigger picture to shift. Most everyone feels like this is not OK.

____

important to get it done, but also how it is done

communication is better over cruelty / bullying / lack of communication

____

I wish I had done better sooner at seeing others’ full humanity.

I have been so dehumanised so often, and starting so young, and don’t trust that it won’t happen again, so it is not always easy to trust.

I am so sorry. This way of or idea of not realizing when people are speaking to me, or that I could affect anyone else, was demanded / created from an early age. That is why I was having trouble understanding that anyone’s feelings could be hurt by my opinion or feelings. I was so very much not intending to, but the result was dehumanising others, and not recognizing others reaching out.